U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
