My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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