he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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