Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
