I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
