Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
