I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
