Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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