Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
