I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
