Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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