my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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