Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
