hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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