so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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