Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize