my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
