Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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