fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
