Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
