As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
