just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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