it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
