God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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