You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
thus making me awesome and them whores
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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