every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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