Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
