My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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