Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
