Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
