420 ftw
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
