In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
