apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
