There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
