i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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