then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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