she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
