Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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