Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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