Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
