Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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