Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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