Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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