I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
When are your genitals available?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
