Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
