I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
