Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
its liver damage thursday
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
