Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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