my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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