I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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