i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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