In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
