Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
