Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
