If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
