Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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