So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
