Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
