glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Randomize
